Remember the Mink.

Today is special.
Its a day of reprieve. I want to write about it before I get swept away and forget.
Today is the first day here in my new life that I have stopped. truly stopped and don't need to cry.

For the past week I've started my life in Tauranga. New car, school, house, church and people.
I've tried so hard to keep my emotions in balance this last week- because change is huge. Especially one to this extent. And because I was blessed with over-active emotions, when given half the chance I'm swept away.
But I had to restrain them. I had to be polite: "Yes, Hi, my Name is Daniela (no I don't mind that you just repeated it back to me wrong), Yes it is a beautiful school, Yes I am thrilled to be here in your house...."
Not that I'm sad to be here, Its just so darn unfamiliar. No-one knows me. I never thought that would be the biggest emotion I feel. Loneliness.
Oh there are people, lots of them and they are beautiful caring and genuine. But they don't know me.


Normally a heightened intense sense of emotion is a direct reference to the state of my relationship with God- but this time I find myself clinging to him. Only he got me this amazing job (and its true- it really is a blessing) and only he knows how much I really swear and how I want to be softer in spirit.


But my throat has been choked up this week. And that's actually quite sore- especially when your trying to hold a polite conversation with someone.

One major tip I have for those who have left home to a unfamiliar territory- bring a mink blanket or something that is warm, from home, that is yours- not laid on your bed by your host. Something you can surround yourself in and rock yourself to sleep and press your face into to muffle your sobs and to pretend its your mum.
These deep emotions only overwhelm me at night and early mornings, when I've stopped- car/meal or bed time. During the day when I actually have to be functional I feel invincible. I have God on my side and a great future ahead of me and nothing can stop me.

But when these moments overwhelm me I have to stop the car (or pick a private moment), run my body dry, indulge in the sorrow. Then pick my head up, stand strong and be brave. I never thought I would be this scared.

I might also advise not to have these 'breakdown' moments 10 mins before you have to walk into the school on your first day. People might notice. Look at you kindly and set you off again.


I am growing up in these moments. God is teaching me something through it- of that I'm sure. Strength, self-assurance in the blessed assurance or something.


But I guess the whole point of this post is to write it down. Writing is therapy. To write is to remember. To remember the day it rained, To remember the day where I am alone but finally praise God not lonely.

Ruan and Hannah's Wedding.

Ruan went to my church.
Hannah started coming.
Because of Ruan.
She turned into one of the sweetest, most genuine people I know.
Even if I did only see her in snippets.

At our church camp she came up to me and invited me to their wedding. Their WEDDING!!!! I know....9mnths later right?? kidding. Its love I'll expect.

Anyway her's some pics- I took my powershot point and shoot. And managed to get in the way of the actual photographer the get a couple of snaps. I love it- the guests think they have the right haha.

 

 

 

I dreamed a dream in time gone by................

Its Time.

I have been on a 10 day church camp.
Before I left, I prayed that God would reveal to me what he wants- basically commiting myself to him. For me to return to what I once was.

So that week, through the incidental moments that you had to 'be there' for, not through the speakers or the programs, God reignited in me a passion and a purpose.

So I was born in Romania. Taken to an orphanage at birth- the other details are hazy/and to sensational to bother with. Its was footage of the orphans after the revolution that inspired my beautiful parents to adopt.
 There is no doubt in my mind that there was no other option in my life- other than to end up a kiwi, in a beautiful family with a heart for God. Absolutly no other option.

So it is no suprise either, that God had lead me to return to Romania. No other option.
Here's a picture (I didn't take it) that is the icon of my return:

This is what I would love to do: (pending God's actual design for my future to be revealed), Go to Romania-armed with a camera, a savings account and a heart to listen.

So for the next 2 yrs- while in a beautiful job, I want to save like no other, take Romanian classes again (I really only know the swear words), buy camera equiptment and team up with a group- either a ministry group or a journalist team.

Then go to Romania and see where God leads. To take footage of the orphans still there to rise International awareness, to start a studio, teach in a school, work in an orphanage, tell my story- where ever he needs.

It reminds me of Moses- he returned eventually to the land he came from to bring his people home- now I know I'm no wilderness majician- but God used what was in his hand- a staff. He will use whats in my hand- a camera.

Here is a verse that is going to be the promise I continually claim these next to yrs- 2 Colossions 5:14.

If I read two versions of the same verse they say "The love of the lord constrains me". Or: "The love of the lord compells me".

Compell and Constrain. Push forward or restrain.

oover the next 2 yrs, I need to be sensitive to God pushing me through the times when my motivation ceases and 'reality' checks in. To inspire me when I have forgotten the dream I once had.

Also I need to listen to God slowing me down, making me think properly about things- not in a flood of emotion and flinging it all away in the heat of the moment. To plan and take it in his time and plan it all properly.

Compell and Constrain. Its kind of a mantra for all aspects of my life anyway. Im so darn impulsive then get immediatly forgetful.

Here's another pic (not mine either) to finish up on.

Theme Song of 2010.

Jamie Cullum "Twenty Something". 

I listened to it on my road-trip-to-get-me-a-job. He's also kinda good looking, in a boy-caught-in-his-dad's-workboots kinda way.

hmm kinda-over-this-type-of-typing.

"After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought
Maybe I'll go traveling for a year
Finding myself, or start a career
I could work for the poor, though I'm hungry for fame
We all seem so different but we're just the same
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat
Aren't things more easy, with a tight six pack
Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can't even separate love from lust
Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans
Working nine to five, answering phones
But don't make me live for my Friday nights
Drinking eight pints and getting in fights
Don't wanna get up, just have a lie in
Leave me alone, I'm a twentysomething
Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that's enough
There surely must be more
Love ain't the answer, nor is work
The truth eludes me so much it hurts
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."

oh wow- this is everything about me and the mo- the contradiction/tension between being in-between.

random/weird pic of tattoo- with a vw in the background.

You know how you have 5 senses?

Well my it was my ears that got the first impression. buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I thought I was at the dentist. I peered around the surly receptionist (who wore black....everything) and saw the noise- this maori guy with what looked like a homemade gun playing light sabers with this guys arm.

Then the lady came over. She was just a nice middle-aged woman who looked, well- normal. My friend Beth came with me- she had her's done a couple of weeks ago and becuase she's a med student I trusted the hygiene and general practice of this middle aged woman called Pip.

Anyway, I embarrased myself/and Beth, by producing 2 pieces of paper with my design in millions of sizes and fonts...to be exactly sure of course.

So she did this fake impression on me and it was all ok, until I decided it was to thick- so I made her do it again.
In normal situations the response to- "Sorry, I should have told you before" would result in "No worries!". But instead I got a short "Yes you should have". riiight. Sort of reasurring though- this woman who is in control and not too polite.

So I sat down and boy the adrenaline was pumping- it was surging through me- I had the goofiest grin on my face.

Ps- the scene- it was:

 I couldn't decide to look or not. It was this little gun thing with a needle pumping at a millions miles an hour at me. Then it all went black and I woke up on a fluffy cloud with the letter box number 9.

NOT!

People describe the pain as a cat's claw, or a serious sunburn. I call it one word- "searing". I confess im a wuss- I don't remember breathing at all.

No pain no gain. But when she said "Only 10 mins to go" I whimpered, audiably.

There was a guy next to me getting his arm thingy extended and I tried to make conversation with him as I was getting settled. Now I know why he just stared at me. Its hard to talk when you can't breathe.

Anway, I did it. wow. And lurve it.

Afterwards Beth and I went to Esquires, drank to see the new yr in and took pics.

This is her's- the butterfly and mine. aww. 

Fineto!!!

The last day of 2009. The last day of the last yr I'm a student.

I'm a visual person.

If someone tells me where to stick it. I can actually see it happening.

Sometimes this visualness is great- like planning a stage set, or an outfit. Sometimes its horrific- as above.

I'm also a forgetful person.

Actually, lets get honest- I have select forgetfullness.

Like my Dads hearing. Poor mum- she gets the best of both worlds.

Anyway- the point is, I have this cycle with God- I thrash around blindly, crash into others, break valuable things, then hit a wall. and in the stunned haze- pray to God. calm down, recieve some wisdom and then copy and paste my last manuvere.

This is because I am forgetful. I hate it. I forget about God till something happens to make me remember. Usually its a painful experience. They say pride comes before a fall.

Im going to go through a painful experience once and for all tomorrow.

I threw out the suggestion that I would get it- and most of the people (other than those with them already) say no because its forever. It's permanant.

But thats the point.

 עַכשָׁיו

So thats it- a tattoo.

I really am hoping that its the correct translation- but I have researched it in dictionary's (I actually went to a libary). It is the direct Hebrew translation of the word........... "Now".

3 reasons:

1) God is here now. Right here. No matter where I am, what I'm thinking or doing. God is here- its a visual reminder, short of tapping me on the shoulder and making me turn around to see the sunset around me. I could simply put an alarm on my phone to remind me to pray- but thats nerdy.

2) Be content- live in the "Now". I am guilty of living in the past and planning for the future. Be, instead of Do.

3) Because, basically I want to. This is my last hurrah. Next yr Im a teacher- like I'll even be cool enough to even think about a tattoo. This is to remember the good ole college days too. Also my friend Beth is going away to Melbourne for an intensive 3 months and this is to support her also, to give her the gift of branding myself because she has one too (that sounds like mum would say in the next sentance---"But if Beth threw herself of a bridge..would you too?"- I'll ignore that. 

Hmm so yeah. Its like the Verb of Now.

This time tomorrow I'll have it. Goodbye 2009, year of the tattoo. Hello 2010 yr of the....?