Postcards

Dear Diary.....it's been a while.


Sound familiar?
Dang. I have been avoiding writing my thoughts.
Im a bit lost. Im in a tangled web of my own doing. I've never been here before. I might like it- it might choke me. But the truth of it is I feel numb. I have avoided being by myself, or being too deep.

Click on the link below to hear my favourite singer/songwriter do a better job of explaining how I feel. (you'll need to click on the Postcards track too...)



Postcards

Lyrics:

"At seventeen she ran away to the city
Thought she would find herself there
Scared and afraid, she pan-handled all day
To get enough for a one-way fare
And a taxi to the nearest greyhound bus
Made a call, mom said please come home to us

I'm searching, I'm traveling
My life's been unraveling
I still don't know where this will lead
Enjoying the weather
I'll get it together so don't worry
I'll send you a postcard
From my journey to me

Crawled through the desert
And swam in the ocean
Tried meditation
And a few magic potions
Marched at the Whitehouse
Agianst the attacks
Sent a call out to Buddah
But he never called back
And I'm thinking there must be something
I have missed
What do you think of all this

I'm searching, I'm traveling
My life's been unraveling
I still don't know where this will lead
Enjoying the weather
I'll get it together so don't worry
I'll send you a postcard
From my journey to me

If you can't find all the answers from anyone else
You'll just have to see for yourself
Under a blanket and up on a mountain
A sleeping bag prayer
Where she drank from the fountain
Thought about Sunday school
Thought about Jesus
Love that's so simple, grace that's so genius
And just like those ruby red slippers you know
The answers were there in her soul

I'm searching, I'm traveling
But I'm not unraveling
I still don't know where this will lead
Enjoying the weather, it feels like forever
Since I've seen Tennessee
This is the last of my postcards
I'll be back home by the next star
I love you all with all my heart
Sincerely, Me"

ring riiiiiiiiiiiing a ding.

I was looking at togs today (of all things) and the shop lady asked me something personalish and I blurted out something about being a teacherish. Then she observed how much teachers have to work in the holidays.

I totally corrected her.

As if- unless I become like a HOD of all the HOD's- whats that like a principal or something? I'd NEVER bring myself to come into school 8-4, 5 days a week- yagottabekiddingme. Seriously, work like ya got no life during the term, then spend hours milling round the mall searching for control undies (im in a wedding this weekend, its a must have).

Then she said something like "ah well, must be nice to have a break from the little uns". Then I muttered something about secondary students while under a few pairs of sunnies (im cool like that), she gasped, grabbed me under the arm, dragged me under better light and told my I looked to young to teach them.

HA- I suddenly got a flash back to my first practicum when I was 18- intimidating kids older than me.

Quote of the day: "If ya can't fake it...google to ya make it".

Oh swoooooooon, google. my best friend. I learn't how to photograph like a techicat, how to sing (www.tangle.com), how to teach yr 8's about the blues era, how to play I'm yours (Jason Mraz) on the ukulele- and more. When its just to inappropiate to ask the person sitting next to you in ch, or to ring your mum in the middle of the night- google will be there for you. If not google- then youtube.

So there you have it. A soliliqy exhibiting the signs of life that doesn't ring of...well bells.

Happy hols.

My new watermark

So I have been learning the ways of copyright- modal relase forms and the less creative side of photography. Not a pleasant process as my idealisism can alter my perception on reality, so all this is very new- the assertive photographer.

Anyway enough blah blah. Here is my new watermark/logo.

Charlie and I...Weeze tight.

There is a change-a-brewin.
In me.
I like it.

This is a mixymash blog. I have a bit swirlin round my head so good luck making sense of it.

Charles Darwin and me....we are a bit in sync. Ok so he's a mad nutter- but there are other similarities.

The survival of the fittest, Natrual Selection.
That's me.
               One example of Natrual Selection is Mimicry. "Some harmless insects mimic other insects that are more powerful. Mimicry evolves because the better mimics survive better. They live to produce more offspring than the less good mimics. The genes of the better mimics become more common in the species. Over time, mimic species get closer to their models. This is the process of evolution by natural selection" (- on ya wikipedia).

Good ole Darwin. Hit the nail on the head, and then missed and got his thumb, but the sentiment remains.....
I have had some solid models in my new professional enviroment to mimic.They are experinced and successful teachers that are talented, passionate and honest. The more I mimic them, the more I become like them- talented, passionate and honest.

And Darwin- another winner example of Natrual Selection is Wings: "The wings of birds are good examples of evolution caused by the creature adapting (changing to fit in) to its environment. Wings have evolved, and they enhance the survival of their possessors".
       In order for me to survive, I have to adapt my wingspan. I have to LOVE routine (and secretly I do). I have to pre-pack my lunch. I have to budget. I have to learn to say no. I have to rely on myself to rely on God.

It could be quite terryfying if I never had anything good to mimic.

I can see that this new me is evolving. A new professional dependable me. I like it. I like being relied on. Good ole Muss Brown. (still hearing the kiwi accent). I like the new musical wings that I'm developing- like when the creativity is stripped away- there still is a music teacher who knows her stuff.

It's nice.
It's like cutting your hair. Whenever you pass a window- you stop, notice the changes- how now you can feel the wind on your neck, you fluff up the new style and move on with a zing.

Yeah, the new me. I'm not entirely sure that if the new me stepped out of the mirror and introduced itself, I would recognize it yet. Its all hollographicish still.

The new me, its pending.

In case he gets famous...

So his mum and I go to Church together.
Therefore- the logical thing to do is to photograph her son. Its only natrual.
Pretty sure he's going to be famous and I can say that I photographed his first model porfolio.

Routine smells of trains and tastes like crusts.

My last posts have been oppressive/depressive.

But I have stumbled across something so intense that without it my life would be an apron without the smell of baking.

Inspiration.

Like breath to my flute.

Im going to stop there with the analogy's- you can imagine your own wind beneath your winginess.

At school I teach music.

2 things that have kept me out of the loony routine bin is:

www.therebelution.com Inspiring teens to Rebel against Rebellion.

and The Frankie Magizine.

Excerpts from this magazine have graced my office space, my coffee mug and my bible.

I'd been on a mission every afternoon I had nothing of particular importance to do, to find the newest raddest edition. Seriously- loo time reading is not the same without Frankie.

9 weeks into this challenge I find myself loitering on the habour of Tauranga spying on hot guys in resturants wearing tight jeans and wedding bands (I HATE this coincidence), and in general saving petrol by wasting time between engagements.

So anyway I slink into this dodgy indian diary (imagining it on the cover of the next NZ herald for the latest break and enter robbery) and then actually sqeal outloud because there behind a grimy car/nakey lady mag is the Frankie Magazine. my Frankie. I actually did a tiny jump as everything in my world finally fell into a sweet vintage alignment that smelt of musk and cinnimon.

Anyway anyway anway, the point is. From that moment on, I have been indulging in Frankie when the mood is down. Like when go on a road trip, get in your car and you know something isn't right- you adjust the volume and away you go.

When I get up, have a shower, trudge to work, teach as though no-one is actually sitting in front of me, complain about the bad coffee, get in the car-get home-get in bed, close eyes and forget about what I just did all day, Thats when I know something isn't right.

Routine is Dangerous.
Routine is Depressive.
Routine is Contagious.
Routine is...Sucks.

Get Inspired,

For me its getting Frankie. 

It inspired me to do stuff.

Like putting tuscun seasoning on avocado.
Like wearing a skirt the wrong way around,
Like speaking in an accent to someone you've never met before,
Like mouthing music and deliberatly looking at the cars next to you at traffic lights,
Like taking a picture using your sunnies.

Like anything- just do stuff that gives you something to remember.

This is the end of my soliliqy.

Life looks way cooler with my retrospecs on.

I got my retrospecs on right now.
I was very tempted to wander around without them on and you'd be none the wiser.

But here I sit. Retrospectales on. The rear-view mirror in focus.

This time last week, I was driving around with my eyes so blurry I nearly crashed into my own shadow.
I was hyperventilating and felt so totally stifled. Even though I was in a car on the open road.

That afternoon I had gotten 'home' from 'work' and layed down on my army barrack, nearly sunk through the floor witht he sheer weight of my heart- or that could just ahve been the shotty srings. And with the new flatmate having a go at her son as a themesong I cried out. Internally of course. it nearly blew vessels.

I felt so oppressed. I've never felt that way before. I had to get out. To physically be alone. So I did. I put my sunnies on (while inside like a cool person) and left. Got in the car and let rip. I cried so loud I was scared of the sound. It was the most gutteral sound. It came from so deep inside me it sounded like something else.

I ended up in a furniture store of all places. Wandering around completely lost. I then had the weirdest thought- 'Where the hell am I going to put my VW collection?!' And then that set me off again. I raced back into the car and let rip once more.

So fast forward to the eyes blurry moment and then you have the phone call. To mum. Asking if I could come home again. The poor woman. I must have sounded wounded. I was hyper breathing. 

Anyway enough of that. I drove and lamented to God the entire 4 hour journey home. I didn't stop for the loo once. I felt like Job.

So I got home. Almost didn't put the handbrake on in my rush to get in the house. And mum said these precious words.... "Shall I put the kettle on"?

Wow.

I had such a blessed weekend. It was reprieve. I went to church. Had a movie night with mum, had my car checked over by dad, got my OWN crockery and pillows, designed my bro's 21st invites and visited friends.

It was with the logic of my parents that cut through the non-sensical girly PMS frills of me. "Why don't you give that woman a call-  you know, the one with the unit thingy  attached to their house.....the one for free".

Oh boy. No wonder all the other places I looked at tore me apart. Gods had a plan that I could only see through my retrospec's.

Anyway- cut to the car trip back to Tauranga.
I was crying again. sheesh. I could water Darwin. Only these tears were balm.
I was talking out loud like a nutter then cackling away when another revelation from God cut through.

I learnt alot in that car trip about the great I AM. I claimed God in every moment.

"Lord, Im worried about the car trip....I AM"
"Lord, what about Jaxon? I AM"
"Lord, what about where I'm going to live.." AM"
"Lord, what about the primary schoolers I teach...I AM"
Lord...? I AM, And What about?...I AM. And what if?... I AM.

No matter what I said... the answer was the same- "I AM".

The mistake I had done in the past month was to ask ask ask and just when God was about to answer I ask ask ask again. The same cycle.

The family who own this unit asked me in my FIRST weekend in Tauranga if I would like to live here. I said....no. And have now spent the last month complaining about living in a bird cage while not noticing the door is swung open.

Duh.

My new digs are amazing. Like a Sanctuary. wow.
It's a Haven.

Im blessed.

I might even wear these retrospecs inside.