Saturday, January 30, 2010

Remember the Mink.

Today is special.
Its a day of reprieve. I want to write about it before I get swept away and forget.
Today is the first day here in my new life that I have stopped. truly stopped and don't need to cry.

For the past week I've started my life in Tauranga. New car, school, house, church and people.
I've tried so hard to keep my emotions in balance this last week- because change is huge. Especially one to this extent. And because I was blessed with over-active emotions, when given half the chance I'm swept away.
But I had to restrain them. I had to be polite: "Yes, Hi, my Name is Daniela (no I don't mind that you just repeated it back to me wrong), Yes it is a beautiful school, Yes I am thrilled to be here in your house...."
Not that I'm sad to be here, Its just so darn unfamiliar. No-one knows me. I never thought that would be the biggest emotion I feel. Loneliness.
Oh there are people, lots of them and they are beautiful caring and genuine. But they don't know me.

Normally a heightened intense sense of emotion is a direct reference to the state of my relationship with God- but this time I find myself clinging to him. Only he got me this amazing job (and its true- it really is a blessing) and only he knows how much I really swear and how I want to be softer in spirit.

But my throat has been choked up this week. And that's actually quite sore- especially when your trying to hold a polite conversation with someone.

One major tip I have for those who have left home to a unfamiliar territory- bring a mink blanket or something that is warm, from home, that is yours- not laid on your bed by your host. Something you can surround yourself in and rock yourself to sleep and press your face into to muffle your sobs and to pretend its your mum.
These deep emotions only overwhelm me at night and early mornings, when I've stopped- car/meal or bed time. During the day when I actually have to be functional I feel invincible. I have God on my side and a great future ahead of me and nothing can stop me.

But when these moments overwhelm me I have to stop the car (or pick a private moment), run my body dry, indulge in the sorrow. Then pick my head up, stand strong and be brave. I never thought I would be this scared.

I might also advise not to have these 'breakdown' moments 10 mins before you have to walk into the school on your first day. People might notice. Look at you kindly and set you off again.

I am growing up in these moments. God is teaching me something through it- of that I'm sure. Strength, self-assurance in the blessed assurance or something.

But I guess the whole point of this post is to write it down. Writing is therapy. To write is to remember. To remember the day it rained, To remember the day where I am alone but finally praise God not lonely.

Ruan and Hannah's Wedding.

Ruan went to my church.
Hannah started coming.
Because of Ruan.
She turned into one of the sweetest, most genuine people I know.
Even if I did only see her in snippets.

At our church camp she came up to me and invited me to their wedding. Their WEDDING!!!! I know....9mnths later right?? kidding. Its love I'll expect.

Anyway her's some pics- I took my powershot point and shoot. And managed to get in the way of the actual photographer the get a couple of snaps. I love it- the guests think they have the right haha.



Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I dreamed a dream in time gone by................

Its Time.

I have been on a 10 day church camp.
Before I left, I prayed that God would reveal to me what he wants- basically commiting myself to him. For me to return to what I once was.

So that week, through the incidental moments that you had to 'be there' for, not through the speakers or the programs, God reignited in me a passion and a purpose.

So I was born in Romania. Taken to an orphanage at birth- the other details are hazy/and to sensational to bother with. Its was footage of the orphans after the revolution that inspired my beautiful parents to adopt.
 There is no doubt in my mind that there was no other option in my life- other than to end up a kiwi, in a beautiful family with a heart for God. Absolutly no other option.

So it is no suprise either, that God had lead me to return to Romania. No other option.
Here's a picture (I didn't take it) that is the icon of my return:

This is what I would love to do: (pending God's actual design for my future to be revealed), Go to Romania-armed with a camera, a savings account and a heart to listen.

So for the next 2 yrs- while in a beautiful job, I want to save like no other, take Romanian classes again (I really only know the swear words), buy camera equiptment and team up with a group- either a ministry group or a journalist team.
Then go to Romania and see where God leads. To take footage of the orphans still there to rise International awareness, to start a studio, teach in a school, work in an orphanage, tell my story- where ever he needs.

It reminds me of Moses- he returned eventually to the land he came from to bring his people home- now I know I'm no wilderness majician- but God used what was in his hand- a staff. He will use whats in my hand- a camera.

Here is a verse that is going to be the promise I continually claim these next to yrs- 2 Colossions 5:14.
If I read two versions of the same verse they say "The love of the lord constrains me". Or: "The love of the lord compells me".

Compell and Constrain. Push forward or restrain.

oover the next 2 yrs, I need to be sensitive to God pushing me through the times when my motivation ceases and 'reality' checks in. To inspire me when I have forgotten the dream I once had.
Also I need to listen to God slowing me down, making me think properly about things- not in a flood of emotion and flinging it all away in the heat of the moment. To plan and take it in his time and plan it all properly.

Compell and Constrain. Its kind of a mantra for all aspects of my life anyway. Im so darn impulsive then get immediatly forgetful.

Here's another pic (not mine either) to finish up on.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Theme Song of 2010.

Jamie Cullum "Twenty Something". 

I listened to it on my road-trip-to-get-me-a-job. He's also kinda good looking, in a boy-caught-in-his-dad's-workboots kinda way.
hmm kinda-over-this-type-of-typing.

"After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought
Maybe I'll go traveling for a year
Finding myself, or start a career
I could work for the poor, though I'm hungry for fame
We all seem so different but we're just the same
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat
Aren't things more easy, with a tight six pack
Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can't even separate love from lust
Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans
Working nine to five, answering phones
But don't make me live for my Friday nights
Drinking eight pints and getting in fights
Don't wanna get up, just have a lie in
Leave me alone, I'm a twentysomething
Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that's enough
There surely must be more
Love ain't the answer, nor is work
The truth eludes me so much it hurts
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."

oh wow- this is everything about me and the mo- the contradiction/tension between being in-between.